The main problem with Facebook is all the people on it. They insist on continually doing and saying annoying things. If only everyone could just be as cool and brilliant as you, checking your feed would be a joy and life would be a dream.
But, come now, admit it: even you, bastion of Facebook etiquette and overseer of internet dos and don’ts, have been known to slip. That photo of a cocktail by a pool on a Monday afternoon while you were on holiday? That tiny little humblebrag you thought we all forgot about?
Be a better friend and make never doing these ten things on Facebook your manifesto for life:
1. Share literally everything you see
Someone in Inverness has lost a wedding ring. Someone in Dorset has found a teddy bear. A small child’s tricycle is missing in Arkansas. We get that you’re just trying to play your small role in the Hollywood tale of how a half eaten packet of M&Ms was finally reunited with its rightful owner after being left on the bus in downtown Dallas – and we admire your inexhaustible optimism – but unless you happen to know a lot of people who live in downtown Dallas, you’re not helping.
2. Post a cryptic status
“Can’t believe what just happened…”
“Some people aren’t worth bothering about!! Glad I finally know who my friends are.”
“Well, that’s the last time I drink the blood of innocents!!!”
3. Holiday spam, baby spam, wedding spam, spam spam
Yes, we’re all jealous of your trip to Marbella. Yes, we’re amazed that you managed to procreate. Yes, congratulations, you found someone willing to put a ring on it. Yes, we had noticed one or two of the 83 photos you’ve posted daily on the matter. Yes, we’re de-friending you now.
4. Change your name to something stupid
We’re having enough trouble remembering who you are to begin with, let alone after you changed your name to BooBoo McMuffinchops for a joke that one other person in the world will get.
If you’re proud of something you’ve done, just straight up brag about it. You’ve worked that outfit, you’ve nailed that thinkpiece, you’ve been retweeted by Ryan Gosling: own it. If you’re embarrassed to say “Look at this amazing thing I did” then maybe it’s not as amazing as you thought and you should just send it directly to your mum instead.
6. Ask things you could easily just Google
This is a variation of the humblebrag with a bit of the cryptic status thrown in. “Anyone know where I can replacement laces for my gold boots?” is basically Facebook for “I have gold boots and I want you all to know about it”.
7. Share too much
Everyone you ever met does not need to know about your weird toenail. Save the intricacies of your sex life for IRL chats. Got a medical question? Keep it between you, your search history and your doctor.
8. Request someone’s relationship status
Unless you’re 100% sure that this chat up technique is going to pay off, do NOT use the button that says “Ask for Bill’s relationship status.” Also worth noting that this is not a viable way to side-step the “So are we, like, exclusive or what?” talk.
9. Tag someone in the background of a photo they’re not really in
There’s no need to immortalise Rachel’s arm flailing about in the background of the bride and groom’s first dance. Her face is almost certainly doing something weird, just leave her out of it.
10. Request Candy Crush lives
We just got over our Candy Crush addiction, why are you trying to make us relapse?